


Love me right

by setaxis



Category: BTOB
Genre: Asexual Character, Gen, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-01 02:59:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5189549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/setaxis/pseuds/setaxis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lots of guys look at Ilhoon and all they see is 'pretty', 'girly' and Ilhoon hates it. Turns out Sungjae isn't one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know what this is. I was trying to write something for asexuality awareness week (that has long past I know) and I love Iljae but have never written them. And then this happened.

Ilhoon knows that sometimes when they're so tired they're nearly delusional that some of his bandmates look at him and don't see _him_ they see someone slim, and pretty and -

"I'm not a fucking girl." Ilhoon spits. "So stop kissing me."

Sungjae looks baffled and trying so hard to understand, like he does when Peniel starts speaking English.

"I don't think you're a girl." Sungjae says, brows furrowed in confusion. 

Ilhoon blanches. Somehow this is even worse than Sungjae just thinking he's pretty, thinking he's a substitute for a girl because Ilhoon has never felt comfortable with the idea of men being with men. It's not that he doesn't think people should be gay but the idea of a guy _liking_ him, wanting to kiss him and touch him and all the things men normally want to do with women - it makes his skin crawl.

Sungjae must notice the panic on his face because he's hurriedly shaking his head.

"No!" He blurts out. "It's not like that either Ilhoon, I promise." 

"So you don't want to kiss me because I look like a girl or because I'm a boy." Ilhoon says flatly. A curl of nausea unfurls in his gut. Sungjae has to be lying. To himself and to Ilhoon because how many times has he heard the words 'I'm not gay' only to find their eyes flicker down to his mouth three seconds later? 

Sungjae shifts, uncomfortable. He's still staring at Ilhoon though, eyes wide and earnest and begging for Ilhoon to believe him. Ilhoon can't.

"What is it then, Sungjae?" Ilhoon demands, cursing the way his words shake. He's never been good at confrontation.

"I don't think of anyone that way." Sungjae says. "Not boys, not girls."

The way his eyes dart away and the tips of his ears turn red make it perfectly clear which 'way' Sungjae means.

"Oh." 

Sungjae fiddles with his earring. He shifts from foot to foot, something he only does when he's nervous and suddenly Ilhoon feels like an arsehole.

"I mean," he tries, searching vainly for the words to make this okay, make this better, "That's cool dude. Each to their own, you know?"

Ilhoon can't even imagine it, to be honest. How can someone not want to have sex? But Sungjae doesn't do things on a whim - not big things anyway. He can make a fool of himself and not think before he opens his mouth but when it comes to the big things - the things that _really_ matter - he's never known Sungjae to take things lightly. If he says he doesn't think about people that way he must have thought about it, analysed it to death. He wouldn't say it if he weren't sure. 

"Really?" Sungjae's eyes are wide and searching, raking over Ilhoon's face like a searchlight over the sea. 

"Yeah, dude." Ilhoon shrugs. "I don't really get it, but I trust you."

He's unprepared for the armful of Sungjae that catapults itself into him, face buried into his neck and arms wound around his waist.

"I was so scared." Sungjae hiccups. 

Tentatively, Ilhoon places his arms around Sungjae. The touch still makes him uncomfortable. He isn't made for skinship like Sungjae is, after all, but he feels like this time if he pushes Sungjae away he won't ever come back. That terrifies Ilhoon. 

"What's there to be scared of, idiot?" He whispers, hands running gently up and down Sungjae's back. 

"That you wouldn't believe me. That you'd hate me." 

"I wouldn't." Ilhoon promises.

"Even if I were gay?" 

Ilhoon stiffens before he can help himself and he knows Sungjae can feel it. He curses internally.

"But you aren't, right?" He says tentatively.

There's a silence. Ilhoon can hear his heart roaring in his ears - or maybe that's Sunjae's he's so close and oh god, why had Ilhoon let him this close? He can smell Sunjae's shampoo and his sweat. He can feel Sungjae's chest rising and falling against his chest and-

"I'm not." Sungjae confirms.

Ilhoon lets out a breath he hasn't even realised he was holding. 

"Okay." He says. "Okay."

He refuses to think about what what his response would have been if Sungjae had said yes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ilhoon observes.

Ilhoon avoids Sungjae for a while after that. It's easy enough to do, their schedules barely coincide these days what with BTOB being between promotions. He's busy with Weekly Idol and Sungjae is off doing variety shows and movie filming and god knows what else, so it's not surprising they barely see each other.

When they do though, Sungjae acts like nothing has changed. He isn't awkward or hesitant like Ilhoon thought he might be; instead he slings his arms straight over Ilhoon's shoulders and nuzzles his face into Ilhoon's neck like he's trying to breathe him in.

"You smell good." He mutters. "Did you steal Minyuk hyung's cologne again?"

Sungjae's breath is hot against Ilhoon's neck. It's both comforting and frightening - Sungjae is here, close to Ilhoon, not scared away by his hot and cold behaviour, still wants to be his friend, but there's always that voice at the back of his head that whispers _this isn't all he wants he's just like the others you aren't **safe** -_

"Yeah." He tugs Sungjae off him and pushes him in Minhyuk's direction. "So go sniff him instead, you weirdo."

If his smile is a touch forced Sungjae doesn't notice, happily snuggled up to one of his favourite people. Ilhoon shakes his head and flops down onto the sofa next to Hyunsik. 

"How much has he had?" He says, accepting the bottle of beer Hyunsik hands him with a thankful nod.

Hyungsik grins. "You know Sungjae. He could be completely sober right now or he could be three sheets to the wind."

"True." Ilhoon necks some of his beer. It's cold, thankfully. He knew there was a reason why Hyunsik was his favourite. 

As he sips his beer he watches Sungjae flit around the party. It's intriguing. Maybe that says something about Ilhoon that he has never noticed this before - _too selfish, too wrapped up in yourself as always, Jung Ilhoon-_ but Sungjae is the same with everyone.

A Lie. Of course Sungjae is different with different people, but the intention is the same. His gaze when he looks at Ilhoon is the same as when he looks at Changsub, the press of his kiss to Hyungsik's cheek, and the way he wraps his arms round Eunkwang - the people are all interchangeable. A hug to Eunkwang, a smile at Hyunsik, a kiss to Ilhoon. All the same. It was never about Ilhoon at all. 

He feels so stupid. He made such a big deal out of the whole thing, ramping it up in his head until he couldn't _not_ say anything, and all it would have taken him is half an hour at a house party nursing a now-warm beer and just opening his fucking eyes to what was in front of him. 

"I'm going back to the dorm." He tells Hyungsik, downing the rest of the bottle and wincing as he does so. Warm beer is gross. 

Hyungsik shoots him a concerned look but doesn't try to stop him going. They've all learnt by now that when Ilhoon isn't in the mood for something it's best not to try to force him. 

"It's nice to see you." Hyunsik says, pulling Ilhoon in for a bro-hug. "I know you're busy but damn, it feels like it's been too long."

"Yeah." Ilhoon agrees, eyes flitting over to where Sungjae has taken up residence in Peniel's lap. 

"Next time stay a little longer, yeah?" 

"Yeah." Ilhoon flashes a small smile before slipping through the crowd to the door. He knows that Hyunshik didn't mean to be accusatory. He just wanted to see more of his friend. It doesn't stop the irrational spike of guilt that pierces Ilhoon's gut though. 

_If only you weren't like this, you could have stayed._

Ilhoon would like to claim that he went home and went to bed, but that is not what he did. He can't really explain why he spent that night watching Sungjae's We Got Married episodes on the company laptop, hiding the screen underneath his blanket just in case someone came into the room. He watches Joy's face flush when Sungjae spouts corny shit and the way Sungjae's arm curls protectively around her when they go to a club. She's cute and tall. Maybe not beautiful but still pretty, eyes shiny and cheeks round and red.

Sungjae certainly acts like he likes her. He says cheesy lines to make her laugh. He flirts. He finds excuses to sit close to her or give her a high five so their hands can touch. 

He does the exact same things with Ilhoon. 

And Eunkwang. And Peniel and Hyunsik and even Sanghyuk. 

_He just likes flirting._ Ilhoon realises with shock. _He really meant it when he said he didn't like anybody - girls or boys._

The bright light of the computer screen stares back at him accusingly, Sungjae and Joy's faces frozen in a tableau of an ideal date. To anyone looking in who didn't know Sungjae it would look like he was into her. After the episodes had aired certainly everyone in the band had taken great delight in teasing Sungjae about his _wife_ and how cute they looked together.

Thinking back to it now maybe their had been a flash of discomfort in Sungjae's eyes when the topic was brought up. But maybe Ilhoon's overthinking things again. Maybe he's looking for something that simply wasn't there. 

It takes him three more videos before his eyes start to shut of their own accord and he carefully shuts down the laptop and shoves it under his bed. No one will be up until late tomorrow so he has plenty of time to put it back where it's meant to be before anyone notices it was gone. 

His eyes close, but he doesn't sleep. Thoughts and images keep whirring round in his head, an endless cycle of questions and accusations, so that before he knows it the sunlight is burning through the curtains but he hasn't been able to rest at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually think Sungjae and Joy were a very cute couple and they did like each other but for the sake of this story I've bent it a bit. (Joy is so cute though <3 )
> 
> edit: 01/04/16 Someone very kindly pointed out that I've put Eunkwang's name wrong at least a million times in this chapter but that has now been fixed.


End file.
